In the depths PT 2

I remember the day that I thought "maybe something is wrong with me."

It started like any other day. I got up, got myself and my first born ready, my husband left for work and I went for a walk.

I felt anxious constantly at this point and the days seemed so much longer then before.

That day passed and I was so excited when my family arrived from Alberta to meet our daughter for the first time.

That night, we decided to have a fire in the backyard.

One of our favourite activities!

Except when I sat down I felt paralyzed.

All I could think was;

"If I get up from this chair, I'm going to trip, and my sweet little baby will fall in the fire."

I literally could not move.

When it was time to go inside, I had my husband carry our daughter resulting in a huge flood of relief.

"That was odd." I thought.

I had been having little intrusive thoughts here and there for a couple weeks, yet until this moment, I was unable to put two and two together.

Postpartum Depression.

I still didn't go get help at this point, yet the thoughts came more often which left me ruminating for hours, even days at a time.

I was so tired.

The thoughts worsened, and eventually, while watching the news, it triggered other thoughts in my head that were all consuming.

From: "What if a family member hurts her?!"

To: "What if my husband hurt her!?"

And finally: "Oh my god, what if I'm the one to hurt her!?"

That was it. The thought that sent me spiraling.

I never wanted to be left alone with my baby. I was always with someone or on the phone with someone.

Until one day, my husband, god bless his soul, mentioned that maybe I should see a doctor.

I booked the appointment and the fear of them taking my sweet baby girl away lingered over me till I sat my butt down in that office and talked to the doctor.

She held my hand while I cried, not understanding why this was happening to me.

The next thing she did allowed my fears to relax.

She gently took my hand, looked me in the eyes and said;

"This is completely normal Dominique, and no one will ever take your baby away."

I bawled. Literally! The flood gates opened and I ugly sobbed in that chair with this kind stranger holding my hand.

She helped me move forward.

Provided me with resources, websites, referrals to therapist's who were actually versed in what I was experiencing, and medication.

The rest was up to me. The healing was up to me.

She had just provided me with the tools necessary to get me there.

What followed was months of learning to trust my brain again.

Trust that, although these random, awful, intrusive thoughts were happening, that indeed they were not the real me.

In fact, they were the complete opposite.

They were everything straight out of my own nightmares.

As a person that suffers from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I would often repeat rituals to alleviate the stress and anxiety the intrusive thoughts gave me.

After all the work put it I can safely say that although I haven't fully recovered from intrusive thoughts, I am 100% stronger and healthier then when it began.

I know now, to just say to myself "oh! That's an intrusive thought. It's not really how I feel. Let it go."

Sometimes I let it go immediately, sometimes it takes a bit of work. But the first step, is to acknowledge what it was, and to take away its power.

I try to always speak out about this experience.

Mainly because, I know it would've helped me tremendously in my darkest hour, to have someone else to talk to experiencing the same level of PPD.

I hope to spread more awareness.

Lessen the stigma.

Eradicate the fear.

It's estimated that around 7.5% of women experience postpartum depression.

Honestly, I feel if more people were adequately educated, as well as if they did not face fear of retribution by coming forward, the percentage reflected above would be quite a bit higher.

Hopefully this helps some Mama feel a little better today.

Xoxo,

Dom

Ps. I will try to find the specific website mentioned above and add it into the comments !